Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
some Old Testament wisdom
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.