Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?