You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that