YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
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Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
30% of parenting is just asking,
âWhy is this wet?â
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You canât hurt me. Youâre not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Need special medicine for our sonâs kidneys but we canât afford it because we bought printer ink last week đ
Me: Whatâs your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. âOut for delivery.â
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? âŁ
âŁ
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play DohâŁ
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
me: I donât like other peopleâs kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I donât have any
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My neighbor said âI think the earth might be flat, sorry if Iâm not politically correct.â no youâre just regular incorrect
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.