You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
This forever.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Sing it!
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Confused owl: What?!
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”