It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.