Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.