Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…


What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.


I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.


People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.


Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.


If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.


For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.


I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.


THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full


Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.