Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email