batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
shazam but for random noises outside
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers