[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?