@DancesWithTamis

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

@DancesWithTamis

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

@DancesWithTamis

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

@DancesWithTamis

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

@DancesWithTamis

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

@DancesWithTamis

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

@DancesWithTamis

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

@DancesWithTamis

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

@DancesWithTamis

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you