@Sanbel11

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

@Sanbel11

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

@Sanbel11

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

@Sanbel11

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

@Sanbel11

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

@Sanbel11

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@Sanbel11

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

@Sanbel11

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

@Sanbel11

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.