@coolbutgood

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

@coolbutgood

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

@coolbutgood

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

@coolbutgood

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

@coolbutgood

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076