If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.