If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.