If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
