“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one