FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
how to have fun when you’re poor
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
can you read it!!??
maan!
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I’ve had relationships like this