Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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Tell the colonel to bring it
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill