“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways