me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
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If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I’m crying im so happy for them
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no