@DaddyJew

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

@DaddyJew

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

@DaddyJew

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

@DaddyJew

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

@DaddyJew

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

@DaddyJew

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

@DaddyJew

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

@DaddyJew

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

@DaddyJew

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways