*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences