My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?