The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]