@aveuaskew

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

@aveuaskew

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@aveuaskew

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

@aveuaskew

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@aveuaskew

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

@aveuaskew

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.