Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Never be a pizza!
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.