But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly