@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

@aveuaskew

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

@aveuaskew

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

@aveuaskew

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

@aveuaskew

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@aveuaskew

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

@aveuaskew

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!