That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
How your email finds me
Mad Max Arctic Road
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know