my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
