@mxmclain

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

@mxmclain

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

@mxmclain

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

@mxmclain

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

@mxmclain

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

@mxmclain

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

@mxmclain

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

@mxmclain

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too