
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too