My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa