The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something