*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.