@pplwtching

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@pplwtching

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

@pplwtching

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

@pplwtching

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

@pplwtching

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

@pplwtching

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

@pplwtching

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

@pplwtching

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

@pplwtching

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.