Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.