Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?