(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm