My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
