I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time


Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before


Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge


Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance