@NoTheOtherJohn

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

@NoTheOtherJohn

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

@NoTheOtherJohn

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

@NoTheOtherJohn

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

@NoTheOtherJohn

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”