Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Me: Pull my finger.
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”