@OneFunnyMummy

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

@OneFunnyMummy

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

@OneFunnyMummy

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

@OneFunnyMummy

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

@OneFunnyMummy

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

@OneFunnyMummy

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

@OneFunnyMummy

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

@OneFunnyMummy

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

@OneFunnyMummy

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

@OneFunnyMummy

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.