All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.