I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me