@chetporter

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

@chetporter

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

@chetporter

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

@chetporter

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

@chetporter

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP