@mrt1m

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

@mrt1m

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

@mrt1m

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

@mrt1m

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

@mrt1m

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.