How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them