@pizzajaynow

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

@pizzajaynow

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

@pizzajaynow

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

@pizzajaynow

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

@pizzajaynow

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

@pizzajaynow

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

@pizzajaynow

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

@pizzajaynow

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.