@AllyBallyBeal Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
@AllyBallyBeal @AllyBallyBeal Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
@AllyBallyBeal Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
@AllyBallyBeal I really would love to see two mimes arguing
@AllyBallyBeal Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
@AllyBallyBeal I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
@AllyBallyBeal 9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
@AllyBallyBeal I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!
@AllyBallyBeal I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!
@AllyBallyBeal Anyone else having a near life experience today?