Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 馃檨
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high