The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
A no-good red!
Tough guy eh?
We can do this all night.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT