@BlindVigil

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

@BlindVigil

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

@BlindVigil

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

@BlindVigil

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

@BlindVigil

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

@BlindVigil

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

@BlindVigil

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.