Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.