Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.


Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.


H: Please leave Home Depot.


Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?


Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.


If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.


*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*


If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.


I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.