@InternetHippo

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

@InternetHippo

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

@InternetHippo

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

@InternetHippo

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

@InternetHippo

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

@InternetHippo

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

@InternetHippo

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

@InternetHippo

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

@InternetHippo

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also