@InternetHippo everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
@InternetHippo Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
@InternetHippo *sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
@InternetHippo god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
@InternetHippo me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
@InternetHippo If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
@InternetHippo Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
@InternetHippo superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
@InternetHippo me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
@InternetHippo [making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also