Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.