@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

@ShortSleeveSuit

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

@ShortSleeveSuit

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

@ShortSleeveSuit

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids