@TitaniumToplass

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

@TitaniumToplass

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@TitaniumToplass

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

@TitaniumToplass

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

@TitaniumToplass

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

@TitaniumToplass

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.