@YSylon

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

@YSylon

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

@YSylon

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

@YSylon

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

@YSylon

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

@YSylon

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

@YSylon

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

@YSylon

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

@YSylon

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

@YSylon

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking