Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking